epporsimuove: (inner strength)
[personal profile] epporsimuove
Last night I had a conversation about the future.

Now, anyone who knows me offline knows that I often talk about my future professional life: what I want to do, where I want to be, what I want to study. While I am still unsure of the specifics, I have come a long way in my year off towards discovering what is important to me.

However, I rarely talk about my personal future. Children, marriage, partnership, etc, are concepts with which I have an strained relationship.

Part of the reason I rarely talk about these things is because doing so is another version of coming out of the closet. I have rejected the concept of marriage since I was young. While it may work well for other people, it is never an institution I have seen myself fitting into. This is for a number of reasons. One is the manner in which patriarchal social ideas are embedded in and expressed through marriage. The way happily ever after has come to mean marriage almost exclusively. My own identity as poly (which I know does not exclude marriage). My insistence that I will never give up my dreams and happiness for my partner. My parent's own experiences with marriage.

Perhaps someday I will change my mind, but for now I do not see myself married.

This is not a bad thing.

Even a partnership, right now, seems foreign to me. I think part of this may stem from my bisexuality/queer identity. Not only do I not know who my future partner will be, I do not know hir gender. I don't know if I will have one partner or multiple partners.

Most days I am okay with all of this ambiguity; I probably focus so much on my professional future because it is slightly more concrete. Some days, though, I need to have conversations with the people around me and I am hit by this out-of-control feeling. I have no plan for my personal life.

As a bit of a control freak, this is very disconcerting. Even writing this, my stomach drops, and I become very uncomfortable - so I am going to leave it here.

And in order to keep this post from being completely depressing, have a super cute picture.

A small white kitten batting the ear of a baby bunny

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epporsimuove

August 2010

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